Ask Ava: Friends with Benefits Expectations

Q: Dear Ava. I’ve preferred dating older woman for some time now. Their sexual experience is what drew me to them in the first place, but it’s more than that. Cougars just act way more chill than the girls my age at college. Right now, I have a woman, ten years older, who is I guess what you would call a friends with benefits. She lives about an hour away and has a busy career, so we only see each other maybe two or three times a month. I’m getting the sense that she wants to see me more and possibly have a more serious relationship. I do see other women and have random hookups from time to time. Is it necessary to disclose this to a friends with benefits? What are the rules? -Keith

A: I’m in a similar type of relationship myself, so I can relate, Keith. Great sex, with a cougar or anyone, is difficult to find. And great sex that you can have on a regular basis is even more rare. I don’t know if there are any hard and fast rules for a FWB relationship but here are a few that I think are important.

1. Define the relationship. Stating what you want and don’t want will keep things on track. If one person’s needs or desires change, they should discuss this. When one person wants more, this is often the end and can be messy, so be clear as you move along.

2. Treat your lover with respect. Even if it’s a sex-only relationship, there still needs to be a high level of respect. Your sexy hookup is more than a means to an end. You can even add a little romance to keep the passion burning.

3. Keep your other hookups to yourself. A friend with benefits doesn’t want to hear about your other lady friends, especially if she’s developing feelings for you. If she asks outright, be honest… her reaction will tell you where she stands.

4. End it if she wants a serious relationship, and you don’t. Don’t string your sexy lover along if you aren’t interested in the same long-term arrangement. It’s hard to give up great sex, but you also don’t want to spurn a cougar.

I’m still in the defining stage of my relationship, where I’m wondering exactly what it is and whether I want more than just occasional great sex. Let us know how things turns out, Keith!

Can a friends-with-benefits relationship be long lasting? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Need advice on dating, relationships, or sex? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Cougar World newsletter. -xo Ava

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