Ask Ava: Telling Her What You Like in Bed

Q: Dear Ava. I’m in a relationship with an older woman. All’s well, so far, but I think the sex would be better if I felt more confident in expressing my likes and dislikes. Don’t get me wrong, she’s experienced and pretty awesome between the sheets, but sometimes I find her too gentle, and I’ve kept my interest in anal sex to myself so far. I admit, my communication skills aren’t the greatest, and talking about sex has always felt awkward. I guess I thought being with an older woman would guarantee great sex without much effort. How can I get what I want without insulting her or worse?
-Shawn

A: Hi Shawn. This problem is universal, and personally, it took me a long time before I felt comfortable in telling my lovers what I like (and don’t like). Now I like to talk about these things early in a relationship (even casual ones) and often before a man even has to ask. It’s win-win that way.

Talking sex with a new partner can be delicate. There’s nothing more hurtful than someone you’re intimate with telling you what you’re doing is wrong, or not cool. But it’s all in the delivery and timing. I like to have these conversations outside the bedroom action just in case I hit a nerve… sometimes they lead to passion with both partners getting turned on from sharing their fantasies.

Remember, positives before negative, always! Tell her what you do like, “I love the way you run your tongue up and down my shaft, etc.” and then (using “I” statements) tell her what you’d love if she did, “I’d love to try a little bondage, have you ever been tied up?” If you want to increase your chances of her fulfilling your desires, ask what hers are first and comply promptly. She’ll feel more open and willing after.

Keep the mood light, fun, and easygoing when discussing sex. If there’s pressure or criticism, you’ll never get what you want. And go slow… I’m sure you have many interests other than anal sex to share with your lady.

Sharing fantasies with lovers should be a mutual adventure. You might just find something it took you a long time to share was also on your lover’s sexual wish list. Best of luck, Shawn!

Need advice on dating, relationships, or sex? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Cougar World newsletter. -xo Ava