Ask Ava: Sex with Friends

Q: Dear Ava. Oops, I did it again! I slept with a friend. I know men and women can just be buddies. I’ve had lots of just-friends women in my life who I didn’t think about fucking. To be honest, it was the women who make the first move. I slept with a friend about six months ago. I crashed at her place, and she invited me into her bed to cuddle, cue: it just happened! Then last week, a woman I’ve known for years (who I’ve always been super attracted to) came over after we’d gone out drinking, and boom: it just happened! I’ve only seen the first woman once since “the incident” and it was a little weird, but it’s this recent “fuck-up” that worries me most. I’ve known the girl so long, and the friendship means the world to me. We haven’t spoken since… I guess we’re both processing, but I feel like I should say something. Problem is: what? -Geoff

A: Dear Geoff. Oops, is right! Not because there’s judgement here, but it can make things messy, at least for a little while. I believe that men and women can have non-sexual relationships, BUT… I also think that men (more often than women) almost always will think about or want to sleep with their friend at some point. They either ignore the thoughts or feelings, make a move, or respond with enthusiasm if she does. And Geoff, it sounds like you’re putting the onus on what happened between you and your friends on the women, but it takes two to tango.

If you want to repair oops #1, make plans to see her. Her asking you to cuddle, and now her avoidance points to the possibility that she may have had genuine feelings for you and now feels uncomfortable. Be a man, and call oops #2 (not a text) to discuss what happened. It may not be comfortable for either of you, but if you let it go or pretend like it never happened, you may lose the friendship. Most importantly: be honest. Tell her how much the friendship means to you, that you should have had more willpower, and that it won’t happen again. On the other hand, sexual contact may have you wondering if there’s more to your relationship than meets the eye. Is there a romantic situation, or dare I say, a friends-with-benefits possibility at play… dangerous territory but very enticing.

Know what you want, and then proceed with caution. Also, you didn’t mention if your friend’ age, but most older women can handle this kind of blip in the road of a true friendship.

Need advice on dating, relationships, or sex? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Cougar World newsletter. -xo Ava

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