Bad date exit strategies… We all talk about them, many of us need them, but do we ever act on them? I go for the upfront and honest, but so many people have trouble with this true form approach. So I dedicate this post to those who don’t have it in them to break the bad news. And also for those who would rather utilize a more ridiculous tactic on how to get out of a blatantly boring and bummer of a date and get a bigger kick out of pulling off a gag. Here are some successful, and not so successful ideas I came across:
Start talking and literally never stop. This technique requires persistence because some people are going to be too polite (or maybe even too interested) to start running when they realize you have no intention of letting them speak any more. Try it out and see what kind of challenging fun this can be for yourself!
Go the bathroom. When you come back, tell your date you threw up absolutely everywhere. It’s embarrassing, but also: who cares? You want to get out of there, don’t you?? Start with: “I don’t know how I threw up that much.” Wait a beat to see how they react, then really pour it on… “It was in the toilet mostly but also some on the floor and a little in the sink. I tried to clean it up but then it got on the mirror. Just like, a streak across the mirror. There was no paper towel, and I had to use my hands. I can still taste it, in my mouth… Can I use your fork?”
The Aliens Are Coming
Mid-dinner, look up, startled at someone at a table nearby. Pretend like you’re very afraid. When your date asks you what’s wrong, tell him you’ve just seen a hybrid. “Like a car?” he asks. “No!!!” you whisper. “Like a half-man half-alien sent here to colonize the human population?!” If he doesn’t ask for the bill immediately, can you send me his number? Because he actually sounds like someone I might be interested in.
Oh My God… Hives
My girlfriend and I were feeling so uncomfortable on our double date that night, so I asked to use her lotion. I have very sensitive skin and knew I’d get hives from it almost instantly. I went to the bathroom and put it all over my neck… two minutes later my date was awkwardly staring wide-eyed at my rash. My friend took the queue and freaked out about my “garlic allergy” and insisted she’d take me to the hospital. I’m a terrible person, but it worked…
The Big Cry
It was our second date, and he was criticizing me for not living up to his expectations as a girlfriend. I figured that if I started crying he’d stop, so pulling all the fake tear tricks I had learned from my sister, I burst into big sobs. He stopped to dry my tears, but then started up the criticizing all over again. Then, of course, got mad at me for crying in the first place.
The Friend Zone
Get out of the romantic spotlight by indicating what great friends the two of you can become. Comment on how hilarious he is and how he reminds you of your brother, your best friend, or even better – your dad.
“Excuse me, I have to go. You’re incredibly boring.”
My big ol’ caveat: I go for the honest approach. But if you love to pull out the mischief card and roll with the ridiculous punches, by all means, go for broke and whip one of these bad boys out. Get your booty out the door and away from the hell that is your date. Then report to me here and tell your tale.