Q: Dear Ava. I met an older woman (she doesn’t like the word cougar) on a dating site a few months ago. We got to know each other slowly as we’re both on the shy side. Now that we’ve started to have sex, there seems to be a bit of a problem. We both become more dominant in the bedroom. I’ve always believed the man should take the lead during sex, even though I’d been told older women are confident in their sexuality. It’s not that we’re into kinky bdsm, so it’s not that I want her to act submissive, just let me be the man. What’s a guy to do? -Marc
A: Hi Marc. It’s funny, because it’s hard to know how someone will be once the clothes come off, just based on their everyday outside personality. It’s usually the one’s “on the shy side” that surprise!
Even confident older women usually still prefer a man to be the man unless they are truly dominant. The best way to work out your kind of kink is to broach the subject when you’re not having sex. This will avoid any awkwardness. And because the relationship is new, you’ll want to know if this is a deal breaker as soon as possible. Sexual compatibility is important to long-term happiness in relationships.
You may want to try switching roles. I prefer to be submissive in the bedroom but occasionally ask my partner to let me act out my inner dominatrix, more for fun than anything else. It’s playful and adds something different to our usual routine. I always encourage lovers to change things up when it comes to sex, and this can include switching roles. Even if it only leads to awkward moments (of the good kind!) and a few laughs… it can break the kind of monotony that is a killer to relationships.
Talk it out, try new things, and do it soon… best of luck, Marc!
Need advice on dating, relationships, or sex? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Cougar World newsletter. -xo Ava