Q: Dear Ava. My question concerns the chemistry between a man and a woman. I’ve got strong feelings for an older lady I used to work with and now consider a friend. We met at our job and we slowly got to know each other. I knew right away I was attracted to her, but I kept it cool because we worked together. But as soon as I knew I was leaving, I asked her out for lunch to tell her how I felt. That’s when I got the whole “I like you but just as a friend” speech. Demoralizing for sure, but I haven’t given up.
My guy friends say I’m a glutton for punishment, but I think if she really gets to know me she’ll see me (physically different) and there might be a chance. We always have a good time when we get together. Is there and advice or experience you can share?
-Persistent in Washington
A: Dear PAW: When I think of chemistry, I think of an instant attraction between two people that is mutual. And that kind of off-the-charts explosive chemistry is rare. So rare, that I wish I’d enjoyed it more the few times I had it.
I like the way you’ve dealt with your attraction thus far; slow and steady often wins the race. The good news is she does consider you a friend which is the place where many a great romance start, and many relationships that are long-lasting. Don’t listen to the naysayers; the heart wants what the heart wants, and although you can’t force someone to love you, a little persistence can often change a gal’s perspective.
Let me share a personal story. I met a younger man through a friend at work. We met first online, just emailing back and forth; we had a fun, even flirty, repartee and he wanted to meet. I wasn’t expecting anything romantic, but it did feel a little like online dating. When I walked into the restaurant to meet, I didn’t feel instant chemistry, but as we got talking and connecting through conversation, I found myself looking at him a little differently.
I didn’t see him for a few months, but we emailed here and there, and I found myself thinking more and more about him. The next time I saw him, it was like I was looking at a completely different person. I was feeling a bit of chemistry. And this happened a third time, with my feelings growing a little more.
I won’t tell you how that one ended, but it was a fascinating experience (and not my only one) where I didn’t think there was any immediate physical attraction, but by getting to know someone’s personality, my view and feelings (butterflies) emerged. So, I think you might be onto something, that quiet perseverance can build chemistry.
I say, continue the relationship, with patience and grace… sometimes good things do come to those who wait. Good luck, PAW!
Need advice on dating, relationships, or sex? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION HERE, and who knows, you may appear in the next Cougar World newsletter. -xo Ava